Record 

 {5/19/26 22:38} ◊

我所想的，仅仅是离开这个地方，不去到任何与此类似的地方，并不成为他们。
这需要甚至比过去的理性更高的计划能力

我不想缺乏勇气；

 {5/19/26 20:08} ◊

The layers of my descent have deepened once more. My capacity for thought has slipped further; I can no longer fend off those sickening voices—they have begun to feel as though they were a part of me.
From the outside, I have become indistinguishable from them: just as restless, fixated on the same trivialities, unconsciously drifting through the same shallow, desperate, and hollow amusements. Any sense of the sublime or the self-consistent has been tainted; to possess such feelings has become an impossibility.
For there is no moment of quiet anywhere, at any time. I am a prisoner of this place, and therefore, I have no way to verify whether I have fallen beyond redemption—even in silence. Because quiet is something I am never granted... Had I but one hour a week of true safety, true silence—a space that was entirely mine, free from all harm—I would never have spiraled to this state.

 {5/19/26 12:32} ◊

I still love the rain. The sound of a heavy downpour is vast and beautiful, utterly unbreakable by the voices of those people.

 {5/18/26 20:36} ◊

My attention was almost entirely focused on that disgusting group of people and a whole bunch of meaningless things... Normally, one's thinking naturally connects various fields and spaces in daily life, but my environment seems to be suppressing everyone's ability to think and feel; everyone habitually violates the boundaries of others. Not a single second has stopped.
I came close to death again today. This brief moment was the happiest period of this long, numb time; the ability to feel was an invaluable thing during this.
I walked forward, stepping on the lines between the bricks. The lines gradually widened and turned black, as if I were walking into nothingness.

Refraining from profanity and avoiding short videos are things I already do as a matter of course. Yet, I am powerless to stop them from uttering at least three swear words in a single sentence nor can I prevent them from blasting short videos on speaker, forcing those who want no part of it to listen against their will. They are never quiet, not even for a fleeting moment. This manifests not only in the actions I just described, but also in how they habitually and incessantly occupy themselves every single day, they habitually and incessantly busy themselves with a multitude of tasks, constantly making restless movements, churning out endless chatter, and perpetually directing their focus toward meaningless distractions. They use a barrage of trivialities to fill their attention, even though what they fill it with is mostly degenerate, garbage, and utterly pointless. They are simply avoiding a moment where true thinking begins.

 {5/18/26 20:07} ◊

This group of people is completely rotten. I've known that for a long time, but I just can't accept that I'm rotting too.

 {5/17/2026 19:32} ◊

It's pointless to suffer over things that can't be resolved immediately.

 {5/16/2026 21:09} ◊

How many people have died here?

 {5/15/2026 23:19} ◊

It's good enough if I don't get disturbed.
When I'm lucid, I'll probably commit suicide.

 {5/8/2026 20:27} ◊

I will attempt to analyze my current state and the environment surrounding me.
My inner self is a void. I can perceive my own ignorance, my lack of character, the many failings of my body, and the abnormalities of my environment through a faint sense of awareness; yet, within my shallow perspective and impulsivity, this awareness terminates at a level devoid of deep reflection.
Regarding my current state of thought, it can be described as follows: the thoughts within me rarely coalesce into complete sentences. For the most part, they are repetitive and powerless, recurring day after day. I frequently use short phrases, unstable logical foundations, and certain modes of expression to unconsciously attempt to fill the fragmented gaps and discomfort within my heart. In reality, this method of resolution tends toward a feedback loop of increasingly blurred, repetitive, and feeble thinking.
In the library, I am able—to a certain extent—to cease expressing those unconscious behaviors and words.
As for the "malice" within the environment—that is, the extremely blurred, repetitive, and powerless moral fragmentation caused by the shattered boundaries of those around me, and the cruel, malicious, and chaotic persona expressed collectively by everyone within the mass—I am unable to feel hatred. Instead, beyond my own control, I am integrating into them by deepening the negative feedback loop mentioned above.
I can do nothing to avoid being harmed.
My thoughts are interrupted by harm and noise at every moment; they never cease for even ten seconds—except at night.
I am sliding, uncontrollably, toward a mode of thinking that is powerless, blurred, repetitive, and pathetic.

 {4/25/2026 22:22} ◊

I don't want to hear this swearing and noise anymore... I never have. I want to go back to peace and quiet. I want to rest, not stay awake all the time out of fear of sudden noises and injuries, unable to do anything.