{5/22/26 23:51}
I am increasingly losing my soul. I can no longer think rationally. I am mentally powerless, unable to access any resources or methods I once had. My memory is fleeting and hazy; I can't recall anything. Any extremely long timescale flashes by like a second, while nothing changes. It's as if I've been in this state for eternity.

I was born with neurodiversity, living in a country that has offered no support for it since birth. I experienced classic, movie-like school bullying and severe psychological problems.

In my past, no memory is happy. My strongest memories are of being pulled from my seat by a teacher, having my drawings torn up, and being verbally abused with the most vile words; of looking down from an open window on the top floor, contemplating suicide; of my friend dying in an even more hellish place (called an "xx Youth Control Center", it is a place where rape, various forms of violence, and inhumane military discipline are committed ); and of enduring the most classic and intense forms of torment that autistic people so often experience.

I haven't painted in a long time. I want to paint again, but I'm terrified.